


leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots

by areyoumarriedriver



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Episode: s07e07 The Bells of Saint John, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 01:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areyoumarriedriver/pseuds/areyoumarriedriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monasteries.</p><p>Honestly, of all the places – he would have to be holed up with monks. River sighed and shook her head, nodding to the monks she passed who stared at her as if she were a ghost or witch. This early on in history, she may as well be, honestly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots

**_leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots_ **

Monasteries.

Honestly, of _all_ the places – he would have to be holed up with monks. River sighed and shook her head, nodding to the monks she passed who stared at her as if she were a ghost or witch. This early on in history, she may as well be, honestly.

“Can I help you.. miss?” The monk in front of her made it sound like a question – but River had worn jeans and a jumper to the summons on her psychic paper, so she can’t say as she blamed him.

“Miss Song. Tell me, I’m looking for a man. Tall, so skinny he barely exists – floppy hair – he’s likely damaged at least _some_ of your property by now-”

“Are you referring to the Mad Monk?” He asked, his eyes wide.

River rolled her own eyes before she nodded. “That sounds fitting, yes. Can I see him?”

“He asked not to be seen-”

“He’ll want to see me, trust me,” River smiled tightly and the monk shrugged, indicted she should wait and disappeared. River studied the tapestries on the monastery walls – fascinating really – but all too soon he returned, looking flustered.

“This way please, Miss.”

She followed him down the shadowed hallway, lit only by the torch he carried. Pre-electricity – never a favourite of hers and she sighed softly as he led her to a wooden door. She stopped him from knocking, and smiled at him. “Thank you, but I can let myself in. It was lovely meeting you.” He looked confused for a moment, but simply nodded and left as River pushed open the heavy wooden door, entering the chamber beyond.

He was flinging a cover over something, and looked flustered as he turned to the door – flustered and ancient. Age lined his face in ways he couldn’t hide, and River sighed. She’d rather been hoping for an earlier Doctor. Her hearts instantly felt heavy with guilt at that thought, so she smiled at him, her face tight. “Hello, sweetie.”

“River! Wasn’t expecting you really – having a bit of a – a – sabbatical, if you will. Why _are_ you here?” His voice was strained and rushed and she felt an odd ache bloom in her chest.

“You didn’t call me then?” She held up her psychic paper, the message still clear as day and his eyes widened as he stared at it. “Must have been Mum then.”

His face shut down at that – still as stone as she sighed. “River – when are we for you-”

“I meant the TARDIS,” she snapped, irritated at herself for phrasing it in such a way. In a way, though, it was true. The TARDIS was the only parent she had left, really. She took a deep breath and met his eyes. “She must have called me. Which means you need me, she doesn’t simply call me on a whim.”

He seemed to startle at that, moving forward with a practiced smile and his arms open. She returned his hug, and when he leaned down to kiss her, she still swayed into him, feeling more at ease in his arms. But she’d been married to him long enough to recognise his avoidance techniques, pleasant though they were. She pushed him back gently, looking up at him with lifted brows.

“What? I don’t _need_ you – well I mean, obviously I enjoy seeing you and it’s not that I don’t _need_ you, just – no particular reason,” he babbled as he pulled her to the other side of the room, his speech pattern fast and his hands flailing nervously. “I’ve missed you River,” he finally stopped talking, his hands taking hers as he stared at her with a smile.

“Have you? Has it been so long then? For you?” she questioned him sharply, and he looked panicked for half a second before he shook his head smoothly.

“No, I always miss you.”

“You are an utterly _terrible_ liar – why on Earth do you think you can constantly get away with it? With _me_?” she took her hands from his and crossed her arms as he sighed.

“I’ve been- avoiding things.”

“Why?” she asked and he huffed, flinging himself into his chair.

“Because – because – a thousand years, I don’t deserve a break every now and again?” He sniped and she rolled her eyes, and sat next to him.

“Is that the age we’re picking and choosing today, sweetie? And this is _you_. You don’t take breaks in time periods like _this_ , where custard hasn’t even been _invented_ yet, for God’s sake! You park the TARDIS on the rings of some planet and sulk for a while. So try that again.”

He stared at her in shock, his cheeks flushed as he looked at the floor. She was sure he was likely scuffing the toe of his boots against the ground like a small chastised child, but she couldn’t see under the hem of that utterly horrid robe. He was silent, and she simply waited him out. Not four minutes had passed when he huffed. “I met someone.”

She almost laughed out loud – because she knew how he made it sound – honestly, the idiot. “That’s good.”

“It is?” he looked up at that, a bit shocked. “But your parents-”

“Are gone, and I can’t be with you always. You’d hardly want that at any rate,” she scoffed, avoiding his gaze as she stood, moving over to the item he’d been covering. She pulled the cloth down and stared at the face of a lovely girl, the painting captured the light in her eyes exactly – intricate in its detail. After a moment of silence she became aware that he was standing next to her, his hands wringing in agitation. “It’s lovely.”

“Do you think so? I met her _twice_ River – twice already. She died both times – she’s not possible, and I just know I can meet her again if I wait long enough, she’ll come to me and-” she watched his face as he spoke, animated for the first time since she’d arrived and she felt something within her die. He looked – he looked at that painting the way he’d looked at _her_ when he was younger. Fascination. Excitement. Awe. A new mystery. “You’re not listening,” he scolded her and she came out of her thoughts to see him beaming at her.

“You’re right, Doctor. She will.” He lit up at that, giggling in excitement and she closed her eyes for a moment, hearing the echoes of those same giggles – at Demon’s Run – when he’d- _no_.

“Do you _know_ River? Have you _met_ her?” He bounced excitedly in front of her and she smiled wanly. She’d not met her – not once in her life, and she looked down, feeling time slip between them for the first time in ages. She was so very _old_ and she’d fought so hard to not let him _see_ that.

“No, I’ve not,” she whispered truthfully and when she looked up at him, she could read the disbelief on his face.

“Spoilers, I know,” he grinned and she nodded.

“I should – I don’t know why she called me here – I should go and-”

“What? No! You just got here. And I _have_ missed you, dear,” he grinned at her as he drew her closer, leaning down to press a kiss against the side of her face. “Stay,” he asked her softly and she nodded in agreement, even as she felt the pressure in her chest tighten. “The night at least,” he added and her breath caught in her throat. She deserved one last – didn’t she?

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

_*~*~*~*~*_

“I will definitely need a warranty – I’m rubbish with computers, I won’t know what to do if it breaks, or just stops working.” She’s tiny, was River’s first thought. Small, dark hair – quite adorable really. She had wandered around for near half an hour, looking bewildered before a sales associate had finally noticed, circling in for the kill.

They’d sold her a laptop that cost twice as much as she needed to pay, for what she’d told them she was looking for. But she had a kind smile, and she was quite sassy with the associate dealing with her – and River smiled to see it. “You know the number they give you is total rubbish right?” She asked Clara conversationally as the associate moved away to gather paperwork.

“What? Is it?” Clara looked at River once, and then again, her eyes lingering as she frowned.

“They barely know their arses from their keyboards, honey,” River smiled warmly and Clara grinned back, moving a bit closer.

“What do _you_ recommend then, Miss…”

“Well I have a bloke who I use regularly – he’s practically a wizard,” River almost chuckled at that as she noted the girl’s lean against the counter. “I can give you his number, if you’d like.”

“It’s a good start,” Clara smirked at River as she shook her head, digging into her purse and pulling out a small white card and a pen.

“He’s the best there is – brilliant really. Best in the universe,” she handed Clara the card and the young girl took it, her fingers brushing against River’s as she looked at the number. The associate came back then, rustling papers loudly and River escaped, moving off into the aisles quickly.

“And how do I call _you_ then-” Clara looked up, her voice dying off as she glanced around in question. “Did you see where that lady went?” She looked over at the associate who looked up, started.

“What lady?”

“You know, bit taller than me, hair like a lion, curvy, voice like sin – she was _just_ here.” Clara waved in front of her as the associate blinked in confusion. Clara sighed and pocketed the card. “And another one bites to dust – I won’t be needed that warranty now, sorry. Got a bit of a better offer,” she grinned and River smirked, turning to move back down the aisle and leave the shop.

Oh the Doctor would certainly have his hands full.

_~*~*~*~*~_

She was in her garden when she next heard the TARDIS, her hands pushed into her flower beds as she soothed her mind with some menial labour. She quite liked gardening – growing and nurturing things, watching them flourish. Too often they got neglected by her constant digs and trips with the Doctor, but she’d decided upon arriving home from London three months ago – not this time. No trips for a while, no digs, just teaching at the university and proving to herself that she could plant something and _not_ have it die.

She tensed at the familiar scraping, but she didn’t turn around, instead she finished replanting the hosta she was moving to a bigger bed. When she was done, she brushed the dirt off of her gloves, peeling them from her hands and turning to find him leaning against a tree – back in a tweed and bowtie – but this coat was longer, and more purple. It ought to have looked ridiculous, but then _he_ ought to look ridiculous – and always ended up looking like sex. He grinned at her lazily. “I didn’t know you did this sort of thing. Very domestic of you River.”

“I don’t normally. Had some time on my hands, thought I’d give the slow path a go,” she replied neutrally and stood, walking over to him. As soon as she was close enough he reached for her, yanking her down until she tumbled into his side as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“It was _you_. In the shop. You gave her my number, my beautiful River,” he grinned and she nodded, glancing over at the TARDIS.

“Is she asleep then?” she asked politely – maybe she’d not met Clara with him because she only saw them from this point on. Maybe… her hearts were clinging to any weak excuse they could. But she knew what she’d seen in that monastery – boredom that had morphed into wonder. Over Clara.

“Not with me.  Haven’t gone back yet to give the pitch – I wanted to see you first,” he looked at her and she smiled, smoothing a hand across his bowtie. It was new – but she liked it.

“I’m glad you found her, sweetie,” she whispered and he laughed, the sound warm as the sunshine that surrounded them.

“Still don’t know who or what she is yet, but I’ve got time. I know where she is. I can figure this out – I can protect her this time.” River nodded, not really listening to him as he spoke next to her, his voice brimming with excitement.

“That’s good, sweetie, I didn’t want you to be alone,” she smiled at him, and though the words were difficult, she found that they were true.

“Course I won’t be – I’ve got you, you found Clara, it’s-”

“Doctor,” she interrupted him and his smile died at her tone, as he stared at her, his arm holding her to his side a little tighter as he shook his head. “I think – I see you younger and younger now you know. And the differences – between you – they hurt sweetie,” she confessed in a low tone.

“I’m sorry River – I was so _thick_ back then, and stupid. I didn’t know-” She shook her head, pressing a shaking hand to his mouth to silence him.

“Not like that, my love. It hurts because it’s so different you know. How he looks at me – like he’s fascinated and riveted and utterly enthralled. You – you don’t look at me like that anymore. And I never realised – until I saw you talk about her –” She stopped them, her voice thick. He opened his mouth under her fingertips but she shook her head sharply, fighting to go on. “I almost – I almost prefer it Doctor. Seeing younger you. God – you’ve not – not looked at me the same, not since Manhattan and I know you – some part of you _blamed_ me-”

“River _no_ ,” he interrupted her then, pulling away from her hand and gripping her shoulders tightly. “I don’t. I could _never_. You wanted them to be together – if anyone was to blame – _I_ was the one who tried to keep her with me – refusing to let go. I never – never _blamed_ you,” he sounded horrified by the very thought and she sniffled, looking up at him. He looked so stricken with fear and she shook her head.

“Then why have you been avoiding me? It’s getting longer and longer for you – I can tell, Doctor. If you don’t blame me, why do you always run out on me?” She stared up at him, her stupid hearts rising with hope as he looked gutted, his whole body sagging as he showed his age. His hands shook as he brushed his fingers across her face gently, pulling her closer until his forehead pressed against hers.

“Because River, I’m a scared old man. Do you know how long we’ve been married? For me I mean?” He shook his head, his brow furrowing as he pulled back. “No – that’s not – it’s not important.” She knew even as he spoke he was lying, it _was_ important. How long had he gone between visits? “I don’t mean to – we’re back to front River. Not – not _literally_ but -  but-”

“Shh, I know,” she soothed him, her hands sliding along his shoulders as she hushed him. She did know – had long suspected that for him, they were back to front in a most finite sense.

“I’m trying to – to make it last – or – or River, I was so low after your parents – our time is _so precious_ , how can I waste it on moments like _that_?” He looked up at her, his eyes filled with tears. “I haven’t – haven’t stopped looking at you like that – well I _have_. But it’s – it’s different River. It’s not _new_ with us anymore, but it’s so much deeper, so much _more_.  I need you to survive River. I can’t – the TARDIS was right. I _need_ you. I’m whole when you’re with me, and it’s not that I’m not awed by you anymore, but when I look at you, I see all the ways you’re _part_ of me. Just wholly and completely – it’s like breathing properly, or finally being comfortable in your own skin – please don’t – don’t make me _give_ that up. I couldn’t.” He was begging by the end, his voice frantic and she shushed him, kissing him softly.

“It’s okay sweetie – I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She pulled back, cradling his face in her hands and he shook his head.

“No, of course you should have. I’m so sorry River, I never meant to make you think I was- was _bored_ or didn’t want you around.” He brushed her hair back, kissing her with a new hunger. His mouth covered hers,  and she sighed into it, brushing her tongue along his lips as he kissed her until she was utterly breathless.  They were both short of breath when he pulled back and he smiled down at her. “Come with me. To get Clara, come with me.”

She smiled up at him, and shook her head sadly. “I have a new semester starting sweetie, and I promised myself I wouldn’t leave my garden to die again. Besides, you need time with her-”

“Then let me stay. For a while.” He asked, pulling her closer, his hands running over her body as she sighed softly. “Show me where you work, what you do – let me stay. For a while.”

“What about Clara?” she asked softly and he smiled down at her, pressing a soft kiss to the tip of her nose.

“Time machine – she’s not going anywhere,” he promised. “No running out on you, I promise.” He hugged her and she squeezed him, knowing even as he held her that it was a lie. Of course he would run eventually – but maybe she could encourage him if she knew he would come back.

 


End file.
